America’s table conversation crisis solved
By JONATHAN WOLFMAN
Like Holden’s grandmother who sent him money four times each year for his birthday, Tamar’s folks send her a large, white styrofoam salmon- and filet mignon Omaha Steaks crate about as often to celebrate her birthdays on the Caulfield Rotation Cosmology Paradigm that has Earth spinning four times swifter than we’d been led to believe and knows where the ducks go in Winter.
Now, Omaha Steaks are tried and very truly pretty darned good. What is not is the new packaging insert. While we all expect goodie-packs to come with a library of adverts dripping with better-than-life snaps of bounty-unordered, what came with yesterday’s quarterly peppery lemon buttered birthday tidings is evidence of deep distrust in contemporary culture’s ability and/or inclination to engage in dinner conversation.
With the edibles and adverts now come cards.
Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards.
The 2x3s come in a holder. They’re an encouragement.
“Have fun with family and friends when you get them talking with Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards. Simply pull out a question and let the chit-chat begin! It’s a great way to bring families, fun, and laughter back to the table. Let the games begin!”
Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards are probably indispensable to all of your intimate dinners with your total and geeky complete strangers, and to family meals during which someone has made you really mad ordering you to turn down or off a Law and Order re-run from ’93 when Chris Noth still looked so deliciously metro.
Beyond that, well…you tell me. Here are the nine Concersation Starters –
. What is your favorite Country-Western song title?
[See, right away a winner.]
. How many songs can you think of that have the word “bird” in them?
[Pass the creamed corn.]
. Can you hang a spoon from your nose?
. Can you play the spoons?
[Now I understand Omaha in the company name. Where is Curly-Joe Stooge when you need him?]
. If you had a large sailboat, where would you sail?
[Omaha Steaks supports all demographics.]
. Can you wiggle your ears?
[Back in Omaha pretty fast.]
. Asian or Italian?
[Yakuza, Tong, or Mafia?]
. What’s the worst thing you did that your parents never knew about?
[I don't reveal my sashimi- or antipasto-based felonies, and I never sit with my back to the door.]
. Do you trust anyone enough to tell them everything?
[a- I never answer ungrammatical questions.
I hope this pack isn’t it; I hope future steak crates will have more and new questions bound to raise my table commensality to new, even more radically conversational heights. Or, I’ll just have to think of something engaging to raise on my own.
Wait. No. Who’m I kidding?
Where, Holden? Where do the steaks go in Winter?
Jonathan Wolfman blogs at http://open.salon.com/blog/jlw1.
Short URL: http://reportergary.com/?p=25747